Firewood for the furnace

I’d like to write something.  I’d like to tell the truth.  But the truth doesn’t open doors and the many words clog the clarity of my minds-eye.  If my brain were an HP-printer, I’d be stuck on paper jam, with an error message of please remove the cartridge.

Since keeping a diary, I would make sure never to read back over it.  More therapeutic in its necessity, I would use it to clear out all the negative whining.  Preparing my brain for a new day and a fresh onslaught of misunderstood perceptions.  That was until I became aware that all my complaining was simply excuses, for choices I had blindly or unconsciously made.  Not a great realisation, all that complaining was a total waste of my energy and focus.


All moaning aside there are some useful consequences to keeping a diary.  There is a factual timeline of events and hopefully an emotional progression.  And there are some beautifully uncomfortable entries which speak to me in a poetic manner.  I have verbally constructed firewood to keep the creative furnace burning.



I feel like I’m walking in a sand storm in the desert.  I’m battling against the wind, my body is made of sand also, just not the loose kind.  And I feel as though by the time I stagger to a place of security, there won’t be anything left of me.


It’s a hard-line to be taught to tell the truth, sent out into the world.  A tough gig to realize working hard isn’t working smart.  While getting your head around the person in the office who does nothing until the boss turns the corner is the best liked and the least deserving.


Have I just passed a judgement?  How much truth is in this statement?  Define truth.


Truth seems to have been white washed over.  There are so many ways to get around people’s decisions or worldly issues that arise.  We’ve become champions of creating reasonable doubt and using it as a type of mental warfare.  No not just in courthouses, it has seeped through the exterior walls of our living and work spaces.  The seed of doubt grows, too easily within each of us.  Perhaps our first question should be, why?


Blind in our doubt of other people’s actions we by-pass the biggest truth.  The sucker-punch is that the doubt we see in others is merely a reflection of the doubt we hold within ourselves.  Doubt is the erosion of all that we know to be true.


Knowing ourselves seems to have been muddied with slogans such as “Just Do It” and exasperated with endless colours of consumer products.  Just do it calls for action, movement, keep going, keep searching.  The most familiar product associated with this slogan, running shoes.  Run.  Run as far and as fast as you can.  Knowing yourself is being present, if I was marketing it to you, I would go with something like “Just Be”.  The only problem with knowing yourself and using just be as a tool for progression.  Too soon will you realise you don’t require endless colours of consumer products, you don’t require a brightly coloured slogan’tastic t-shirt to motivate you on your path to success.  Your success is already centred within you, as a former promotional girl and brand ambassador I promise you the one slogan to truthfully get you on your way is, Just Be.  Sit with yourself, present a question and allow the answers to unfold.


Erosion doesn’t have to have solely negative connotations.  Erosion teaches us about many aspects of industry, the human body, and the planet we live on.  The destruction of anything physical or mental gives us an opportunity to grow and rebuild.  Just as doubt applied in a knowledgeable context can create positive outcomes for all.


And perhaps it’s okay to be worn away by the sandstorm, all my doubts dissolved by the erosion of hard truths.  For when I reach my place of security, like all of us will, I shall be transformed.




Dandelions at dusk. On the verge, potential dreams, lay-in-wait.


Between the sheets

No saucy bedroom antidotes here, no love stories.  I’ll leave those experiences and imaginings for my future award-winning screenplays – and the universe has been ‘activated’.

I came up with this title over a year ago.  Inspired by quiet Sunday mornings.  Peeking my head from beneath white sheets the morning light, the sky and birds my only distraction.  The house lay silent, a contrast to week days when you have a child.

I love Sunday mornings because I’m able to slowly wake and wonder. This morning I feel as though I’ve glimpsed between the sheets of the bed we’ve all made for ourselves.

Deep stuff! Sometimes I look back and I’m surprised by what I’ve written.  Occasionally I don’t recognize my words, I find myself trying to remember where I was, with life. Which brings clarity, it confirms, I am ever-changing.

I’m speaking in general terms – too general perhaps – of some difficulties we face as human beings.  We’re born somewhere on earth – spin a globe and poke a point – we grow, watch and learn, imitate others, try to fit in.  All the while ticking milestones of development, or not depending on the journey we find ourselves on. There is, in my mind, a building of expectation subtle for some and like a bulldozer for others. It would take a special kind of mind to not be moved and influenced by these expectations.

Thinking back those mornings were easy, day-dreamy and I’m not so sure I fully appreciated the experience.  Or could it be that times change and I miss having those feelings then and there because like a puzzle it all fitted so well.

They say timing is everything.

Recently I was drawn to the idea of spiritual journeying. Every now and then during life people often feel an urge for guidance or direction. And we all are drawn to various ways to journey. During my teenage years I remember a couple of occasions being told by someone close to me, who holds a Christian perspective “you shouldn’t look beyond the veil” – insert a ghostly “Woooo”.  I’m sure my face was a picture, I can only imagine my expression as I tried to understand another veil other than the one that covered a brides face. As my thoughts rolled I created dark and terrible things that must lie beyond this veil.  Somewhere in life there must be a magical thin curtain and if I were ever to happen upon it I should run screaming in the opposite direction!

Needless to say fear can be a great tool in putting young minds off investigating the unknown.  It only took another fifteen years for me to experience my first shamanic drumming session with Julie from Personal Tao. There are some enlightening articles and more information at

There are many levels to a persons spiritual advancement, layers to peel back. Evolving isn’t always obvious and it doesn’t have to be weird or wonderful, you could literally go walking in the countryside each week.  More specifically people take pilgrimages, others fast, some dance themselves into a trance like state, talk in tongues etc. Fasting is an example used in many belief systems, it’s said to sharpen our spiritual senses.  There are Christian websites which explain the benefit and reasons behind fasting. Like this one;

I’m going to para-phrase, the article is a tad heavier than my approach to worship.  Also I would replace the word God with Spirit or the term Universe. So our bodies are temples, this has been a quip for years I’d be shocked if you hadn’t used it yourself or heard a friend humorously joke while pouring another glass of wine “my body is a temple, I worship it with wine…” or something similar.  The article explains when the body doesn’t have to work at digesting food, energy and focus can be on other things.  Now this really interests me.  If we weren’t distracted by the many food choices today, if our bodies didn’t have to digest all the many modern styles of food, what would our bodies focus this energy on? Can you imagine for a moment, less food to digest, what else could our bodies achieve?

We could look at a spiritual take on fasting; In the first paragraph of this article I immediately see where I went wrong. When my mood dropped I should have went out for a walk.

Lets look at fasting from a nutritional perspective; or the BBC News All really interesting information about improving your health.

At this point I have to be brutally honest, I am thee worse example of all the positive effects of fasting however I would still like to share my experience.  Sadly none of which took me beyond the veil, rather it took me to bed as I attempted to sleep my way through the horrendous, mood plummeting affair.  Only to wake Sunday morning ravenous and more appreciative than ever that I had food to eat!  Thankfully, a friend coincidentally posted how to make your own chocolate on Instagram and by Sunday evening I was high on raw cacao powder.  I don’t believe in coincidences that recipe was sent to save my mind from the depths of impoverished negative thinking and lift me up into positivity and abundance.  I’ll say an “AMEN” to that.

So the story goes, I was chatting about some nitty-gritty spiritual experiences with my mate Casey and he was like “Oh you should try a three-day lemon cleanse…. it’s dead easy”.  The conversation was via Skype, thank God he couldn’t see my face. There was a long pause on my end as my brain tried to wrap itself around the notion of not eating. My only previous experience was going into hospital as a kid to get my tonsils out and not being allowed to eat from the night before, pure hell. Or that other time I did a charity fast, the 24hr Fame, except my friends mother convinced me to eat rice from the local Chinese takeaway because they eat rice in third world countries – why do I suddenly feel like Chunk from the Goonies.

Anyway I continued listening to Casey as he explains, my mind speedily formulates a reason why this cleanse wouldn’t suit me.  “Can you do it with lime” I half-heartedly ask “I follow an alkaline diet” expecting the answer to be “no” I seal my fate without realizing it “Yes actually you can”.  My mind weeps, my face freezes while I remain calm and extend a totally false, “oh great”.

I’d just like to thank Dr. Stanley Burroughs for coming up with this fantastic cleanse and of course Beyoncé in recent years for popularizing it. Having read some information on Dr. Stanley Burroughs I am impressed by the results of his work, unfortunately we’re now using this man knowledge to lose weight.

From what I understand through reading, Dr. Stanley Burroughs recommended this lemonade for stomach ulcers and it proved miraculous for his patients.  The lemon or lime mixture is drank for ten days, there are other instructions, salt water in the morning and a laxative herbal tea in the evening.  It’s not terribly surprising a result of the cleanse is weight loss.

Just for clarity sake, I don’t have ulcers and I’m not interesting in losing weight.  What I received was a clear understanding of who I am without regular meals.  I’m not sure this translates to anything other than eye-opening.



Saturday morning I woke, I felt ready, the time was right! Gulping the luke-warm salt water to flush my body, then preparing the first mixture. I swig it back and it registers as, not too bad.  Out the door I take a second mixture to yoga class, it catches my throat as the smell of the lime and maple syrup waft around my nostrils.  Got home busied myself around the house but decided to lie down and meditate. I become aware of my hunger, sitting up I drink the third mixture.  Stopping and starting, using the non-breathing technique with every gulp I had to admit I’d been lying to myself. The lemonade lime’monade was awful.  The cayenne pepper hideous. I turned to bottle water and chugged a pint.  My stomach began to moan at me.

I slept throughout the day, lingering in moody discontent.  But worse than this my thoughts turned dark and negative. Scrolling Instagram for positive posts and quotes, I was shocked at how low I began to feel. Next the cravings began, red meat, which I haven’t eaten in eight months or more. The craving turned to visualizing a large cheese burger with dripping cheese, onions, ketchup, mustard, lettuce etc. It’s as though my mind began throwing up visual pictures of all the comfort foods from my past. I began to feel ill in the evening and slightly dizzy it was then I decided twenty-four hours was my limit.  Roll on Sunday morning, homemade kamut pancakes, hemp milk, prunes, agave nectar.  With sliced apple, crushed walnuts and maple syrup on top.  I crammed two large pancake down the hatch, without a care in the world if my stomach was willing to smoothly digest it!


Kamut pancakes. Similar to these but much bigger.


I’d promised my son we’d go to see the Lego Batman Movie, I took dates, walnuts and plenty of water.  The flashing images did nada for my mood, my son thought it was fantastic.  I began to worry about the dip in my mindset mid-to-late afternoon. Back to Instagram I went in search of some positive words but instead I came across a friends post on how to make chocolate with coconut oil, cacao powder and maple syrup. So I Googled the ingredients, found a variation and by 7pm Sunday evening I was chowing down on the salty, sweet, nutty goodness of my homemade chocolate. And bing like a light bulb switched on I was grinning from ear to ear. Astonished by the effects of both fasting and then cacao powder, the natural high I got from the chocolate would scare you. Like night and day, I’m still wrestling with an inner truth.  The true extent to which nutrition impacts my body, my thoughts and ultimately my happiness!


Coconut oil, cacao powder, maple syrup chocolate with rock salt and nuts, optional.

2/3 cup coconut oil (125g)

2/3 cacao powder (125g)

1/3 maple syrup (76g)

1/2 tsp vanilla essence

pinch of salt and hazelnuts (optional)

I think because my diet at present is very simple in terms of the variety I assumed fasting would be a non-event. Although I hadn’t intended to go three days I had decided two days would be a sufficient experience. Mixed feelings bubbled forth when hearing my mother fasted for two weeks and my dad had gone forty days without food back in their missionary days.  Totally gob-smacked and left momentarily wondering, why on earth would you want to!  Until my mind brings me back to spiritual enlightenment.


Picture from Instagram Josh Lee @spiritchaserrr


From a health perspective I apparently did my body some good, if you read the BBC News article above it has information on the benefits of intermittent fasting. Life-style changes are great but I wouldn’t encourage anyone to rush blindly into the unknown, timing is everything.

Spiritually I’m prepared to take baby steps toward enlightenment and sharpening my senses.  This experience has highlighted a darker truth something that was first brought to my attention back in October 2016 when I took part in a social experiment – more about this in the coming months. This experiment helped me glimpse through the sheets of the bed I have made for myself. The layers of my mind fell away around me, in a quiet place with no distractions I realized I am highly skilled at lying to myself. Last weekend I saw this truth echoed but I perpetuated my avoidance by rustling up some great tasting chocolate!

Accepting it now, Wednesday, I release what no longer servers me and commit to moving forward, growing from the new seeds of understanding.




If you can’t see the way, close your eyes and feel with your mind.










Working class hands with high class intention

Originally the title read; Working class hands with a high-class heart.  Something just didn’t sound right and then I realized. What I’d come up with was a – plan B – logline for the movie Pretty Woman.  Not what I was going for, totally wrong visual!


Okay let’s refocus our mind, bringing our attention away from Julia Roberts thigh high, black PVC hooker boots, and into the Om.


Google; “Om” painting by Melanie Bodnar

So working class hands. Does an image of hands come to mind, yours/ someone else’s? Or is your attention instead brought to the sensation of your four fingers and thumb. Are you drawn to think of what your hands have accomplished or does the idea stimulate a picture of rough callous stricken skin and numerous minimum wage jobs you’ll never choose to do?

Marxism is a method of socioeconomic analysis that analyzes class relations and societal conflict using a materialist interpretation of historical development.

Straight away I take issue with the idea that this theory is based on a materialist interpretation. Where and when did the term working class come in play?  Notice my wording it is quite specific – come into play.  Because humans evolving along a path based off material gain is such a charade, but here we all are like mute buffoons – and becoming muter with each generation – acting in front of, in despite of or oblivious too each other.

Karl Marx wasn’t the first person to bring forward theories on class relations.  The End of History, an interesting read; mentions Marx borrowing ideas from Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel. And I’m sure these men were influenced by earlier intellectual minds.

Historical materialism is a methodological approach to the study of human societies and their development over time that was first articulated by Karl Marx (1818-1883) as the materialist conception of history.  It is principally a theory of history according to which the material conditions of society’s way of producing and reproducing the means of human existence or, in Marxist terms, the union of its productive capacity and social relations of production, fundamentally determine its organization and development.

There are many interesting topic’s to debate and delve into about society, economic’s and the histories behind these interlinked topics.  Perhaps at the top of a debate list; is Marxism still relevant in our modern social economic industrial climate? I don’t specifically mean our environment but logically the manner in which we advance ourselves socially, economically and industrially will have and has had a result on our environment. Because we now know everything is connected, another debate in itself!

An article of interest;

More now than ever before I love to listen to people’s thoughts and ideas.  I realized though as an adult I’ve had fewer conversations about idea’s, lots of discussions about events and too many exchanges about other people’s personal affairs.  This really hit home recently while I was waiting to collect my son from school, it’s difficult not to overhear conversations. Two woman, a grandmother and a mother were talking about another woman, who stood at the far end of the playground.  Both were curiously discussing this woman’s separation from her husband but more eager to know if she had begun a relationship now with a woman. The bell rings, the children come galloping out of school towards us, and to my utter surprise the mother asks her son to regurgitate everything he’s heard in school. Because this is her source of information, the children have talked in-depth about the split, what’s been said, who’s been shouting, crying etc… and I’m dumb founded thinking if I become a lesbian it’s not the adults that’ll be spreading the word it’s the CHILDREN!!


We could chat briefly about what creates a strong mind, because surely a strong mind creates strong people, and people make up our communities, society etc. Recently a link was sent to me, about teaching children how to think.  My first reaction in a deadpan tone, “I’m sorry, what!?”.  Check it out meta-cognition, . My second thought was, where have we gone wrong that we would have to begin to teach our children how to think. My ego jumps right in and tells me “when I was a child I was able to think, and all the children that I went to school with they were able to think too!” My mind rattles on, it’s the cartoons they’re dumbing down young minds. But in a quiet place in my head, visual comparisons race forward.  Fear slowly trickles forth as multiple images flood my present. The programming I received visually is most likely on par with what our children view today. I take a breath, push the fear to the side and examine my memory of then and now.

Lets go back to The Guardian article, if you mentally take a step back from whats being discussed, it describes a flow, a rhythm even. I believe as intricate as society, economics and industry are we have the potential to get lost, very lost. There are many reasons for this, in fact the examples are infinite.  Some of us, as we grow get distracted moving away from personal strengths and gifts, some of us experience trauma which might derail us from the perfect path and some of us run down a faux ‘fast track path’ assuming without hard work we’ll reach success in half the time.  The point is there’s only a small percentage of people who live to the potential that they were born with. Why?

Is it because of social class, the television we watch, is it because we don’t discuss idea’s or that we don’t have strong minds?

I might have shared this interview with Gary Vaynerchuk in another blog, if not I’m presently experiencing déjà vu. Anyway it’s a terrific discussion for everyone not just business minded people looking for success in modern times.  Drawing your attention to 57:13 through to 57:37 mark, Stephanie Ruhle puts forward a concern, she worries about ‘what we’re doing to young people’  Gary comes back with “we’re not doing jack shit, this is what is happening” please continue to watch and listen.

My translation is that Gary Vaynerchuk has the ability to see rhythms which has helped lead him down a path of personal success.  So life has threads of rhythm, I say threads because I believe there is more than just one string. I mean what type of instrument plays well with one string… I don’t want to hear anybody say Berimbau or Ektara.  I guess I’m translating this interview and applying it to my life, and I found that I could do this because the message is universal. We are crafting and shaping ourselves, change is inevitable, perhaps you still believe but I have to choose x, y or z in order for change to take place.  This is not so.  We close our minds to so much, and as Gary explains we often say one thing but do another, check it out 32:26.

Can I just tell you, my enthusiasm is boiling over at this point, I’m ecstatic with the topic of conversation the articles and YouTube video. If you were sitting beside me now, it would be hold on to your hat Sarah’s about to explode, STOP, put the kettle on we’re going to be up all night.

But it doesn’t get to the crucks of my irritation. I’m going to have to throw you all for a loop here, stay with me.

18 The LORD is slow to anger and abundant in loving kindness, forgiving iniquity and transgression; but He will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and the fourth generations.’

This is the – And the sins of the father will be visited onto the children – I’m not a religious person, I would loosely describe myself as a Taoist. But I was born into a strict religious family, whisked off to a mission in American before the age of one.  I’ve read some scripture, heard adults discuss scripture and my dad would use biblical stories to teach us how to live life.  Oh and in case you’re all curious you never pick the easy road. Yes apparently the hard road, the one less traveled is the only worthwhile path.  I’ll be sure to let you know I’m still trekking along – Sarah scratches her head and looks around – I’ll blog about it when I get to the end…

I noticed a rhythm in my life, let me explain. In search of knowing myself I’ve taken some personality tests one being the Enneagram. I’m a type eight on the Enneagram. There are pro’s and con’s to every type, a lot of strengths with type eights, however this type has to be careful with anger or rage. I think it’s quite natural in a quest to know yourself better, to compare your personal characteristics or traits with other family members.

In the midst of learning about myself my son came home from school and it turned out he too was learning about himself. They had written poems for poetry week, the topic was emotions. They had to choose an emotion and create their poem from ‘it looks like.. it feels like..’ etc. This is Lucas’ poem.


I was so eager to read his poem and found myself brimming with delight. After hugging and praising him, he ran off to play with his Lego. I sat on at the table, my mind matching a pattern, a coincidence dawned on me.  My dad was a policeman in the late sixties in Belfast, not only was my upbringing religious it was at times militant in structure. When I was born in the eighties Northern Ireland was a tense place, the mission experience took our family away for about six years and then we came back and my dad returned to being a policeman until the late nineties. Not a patience man but a hard worker, he put food on the table and I remember he worked a lot.  Later he would go on to admit the only emotion that readily came to him, was anger.

Thinking back to translations of biblical scripture given to me by other adults, I had it in my head for a long time that the sins of the father visited on to the children was war.  Man made war, disease and all types of external negative occurrences but lets peel back the layers.  I believe there’s more to it.

Still sitting at the table gazing in to space, I saw myself in the middle, looking back was my dads generation and looking forward is my sons.  We could go further back to my dads father, who was known to beat his wife, I think it would fair to say he could have had anger issues. We could also jump forward to my sons children but let me tell you why I won’t do that (1) I don’t particularly want to focus on being a grandmother (2) I’m actively trying to right a wrong, bring balance to an uneven playing field. The outcome has yet to be measured.

Spiritually what could be more a of sin than anger or any negative feeling/ thought against the self, if spirituality worked in terms of sin. Lets take a second to consider who do you think anger hurts the most, the person directing the anger out, shaping it into action or the person on the receiving end?  I would say there is no most about this scenario, the consequence for any number of people involved in an angry exchange is pain. Anger is negative energy, energy makes up all life and the universe we live.


Google images

We could go on and on, with shame, hate, low-self esteem, basically negative thoughts.  I’m chatting about this at an individual level. We could begin with one unhappy person and expand the example out to their community, and consider other towns linked to this community.  Expanding endlessly on the affects of negative feelings and thoughts within the mind of one individual. We’re all divine beings, no really we are, you don’t have to take my word for it but I’d love you to consider now ‘the god within’.  If we have a god within, an aspect of deity and a seed of doubt was planted in our minds; anger, self-hate, shame, is this not in a sense a sin against God, a sin against ourselves? Putting this to one side if we realized the affects of self-hate, inadequacy on our physical health we might believe it is a sin to put ourselves through so much dis-ease.

And what if there was an epidemic, if large numbers of people were affected by these negative feelings and thoughts. Communities, towns, cities, countries, nations. Do you think it would be easy to suppress or put a cork in all that negativity and walk away?

Just while we have a cork in the very large bottle of negativity, I wanted to step to side with you and discuss, how well do you know yourself? Are you self-aware, do you know why you react or respond to different situations?

I believe if a mother or a father lacks social skills and they raise three children you can bet one of those children (if not all) will also lack social skills.  If one or both parents lack self-worth their children will face challenges of not feeling good enough.  If parents lack patience and live angry lives then so shall their children.  There can be at times exceptions to the rule.


Google images

Hmm, I’m beginning to believe this could be a bit heavy for a Monday morning… Oops. I’m going to bring it back around to success, come on now, you don’t actually think I’m going to leave the conversation on a low – please say you know me better than that!

There is no blame game here, it isn’t our parents fault, it isn’t their parents faults. Once we’re old enough the buck starts and stops with us. Regardless of how we are raised, what social class we fall within or how the economy affects job opportunities, we get to make the choices. As a side note; if you’re not making the choices you might like to ask yourself who is.

I believe various levels of success can be obtained throughout a person’s life as they grasp a sense of self and gain depths of understanding for who they are.


Google images

Find your peace; the translations are limitless.  Find ease in the person you are, know that you are made as you should be, love every awful, great characteristic and trait.  Because loving yourself is the name of the game, loving yourself is the only way to make right all the wrongs, and if no ones told you yet loving yourself is the only game you’ll never lose.

And for the finale, drum roll please…

Loving and accepting yourself builds the doorway to your success.  It will likely create more than one doorway because…. well that’s a whole other blog in itself!!

You can bet Gary Vaynerchuk isn’t sitting at home reinforcing negative programming. Successful people focus on the positive, which attracts more of the same.


Now you can have a lovely Monday – how – just focus on one positive thing. You don’t have one you say, I say you’re eye sight has been temporarily affected by negative thinking, flip the coin, look for the silver lining. There is no dark with out light. If its a negative situation it’s taught you something positive, there’s you’re first brick, now pave your way and build your road to success!

I dare say I’ll see you along the way 😀

Apologies for the spelling it’s a mixture of English and American, oh dear me!


Why do you eat?

No really it’s a serious question.  I’m sure this might seem like a ridiculous topic of conversation to some.  The most logical answer being “I eat to live”.  But imagine for a second, if we were all on Family Fortunes could we guess the top six answers, if all the people in the whole world were surveyed?

The reason I eat food today is worlds apart from why I ate food in my teens and then in my mid-twenties. The major difference is of course my thoughts and a persons thoughts change with life experience. I’m sure we’d all be able to guess a couple of correct game show answers – to why we eat – but I’m also more than sure there are answers deep within our subconscious that rarely see the light of day but have the power to drive us towards positive and negative eating habits.

My earliest [eating] memories are of routinely sitting at the dinner table and not enjoying the food in front of me.  Food was consider valuable you didn’t waste or throw it away. We had to eat everything on the plate and there were no options if you didn’t like what was for dinner that evening. My parents boasted a far greater collection of tinned foods than I do now, however for the most part dinner was prepared from scratch.  My mum had a list of ‘E’ numbers sellotaped to the inside of our biscuit cupboard [] yes that’s right we had a whole cupboard for biscuits not just a tin.  So I was lucky to have grown up in a household that took notice, in some way, of ingredients.  It was a working class household so the food budget was always a contender to many other bills, which meant tinned corn beef was a once a week meal option, along with sandwich paste as a filler in our school packed lunch.  My guts churn, now, thinking about the bits of animal I happily ingested while chattering exuberantly across the table to my school chums.


Google images quote, Ann Wigmore.

Little was probably understood back then by the general public regarding eating, food psychology or the many facets of the food industry.  At least today with the wonders of the internet a person can research foods, ingredients and even the companies that provide the nutrition we put into our bodies.

It would be fair to say I’ve always been encouraged to eat healthy foods, in many regards I’m grateful for this core programming.  Which brings me to a facet of eating and the food industry.  My belief is the majority of people eat what they are programmed to based on our upbringing, country of origin and personal response to corporate advertising. Forget enjoyment I’ve thrown it out the window!

Let me explain, my work experience from the earliest age spans hospitality, retail/ sales, product promotions/ brand ambassador, administration within the management end of a direct mail company [aka; charity junk mail], script writing and back around to hospitality.  You could say in a professional capacity I’ve been serving people for many years.  But more than that I’ve realised I had unintentionally been observing the public and more recently intentionally. As a creative mind I find people in all their intricacies truly captivating. Admittedly I wasn’t always enchanted by the public, oddly, it took many years of being emotionally closed off, lacking compassion and being thoroughly impatient. For me to understand who I am and then see the connections I have with others.

What has this got to do with ‘why do you eat’ well all things in your life are connected.  All experiences, I believe, are interconnected to your eating habits.  I’ve heard numerous people order food and talk about various types of consumerism.  Remembering one person state when ordering a lunch time drink “I’ll have a diet coke, if it was good enough for my dad it’s good enough for me”.  Maintaining non-judgement I have to comment, this really isn’t the best reason to order a diet coke. I could paint a very precise picture of the person who ordered the diet coke; male/female, age range, physique, industry worked within etc. I feel like I’m back in Atlantic List Company typing a list fulfillment order for a service bureau, Geo. select!

My experiences with people has and will continue to paint a picture of heart-felt, natural responses – I purposely release hyper-exaggerated reactions, although they have their place.  This is an indication of where humanity finds itself. Serving the same people and seeing new faces builds a frame-work of many stories, set within a larger frame-work.   Imagine a large blank screen, one small TV screen illuminates with a person talking about their life, another one follows suit, another and so on, a visual tapestry is formed.  We can tune in or tune out to people, to our community to the wider world.

Unconsciously I used food, I ate what I was programmed to eat,  Irish stew with half a loaf of buttered bread for dinner.  My conscious mind shrieks in horror and my guts shrink knowing the staple diet I ate in the early 90’s in Northern Ireland would sit like a brick in my stomach today.  Would I go as far as to say food used me?  Hmm, interesting angle. I definitely moved and swayed towards what commercially would have been defined as healthier foods, without proper consideration of my body type or even knowing at that point what I really enjoyed eating.

I still remember the Edwina Currie and the egg scandal which affected the public’s view on eggs.  There was a negative association for a couple of years until new research proved the health benefits of eggs. Which again has impacted articles you’ll read today

What we ate as children and what we eat now may vary slightly. Some may purposely eat the opposite foods to what they were brought up with, while some might be resolute in the idea of “meat and two veg” all the way and some conversations might lead us to food history. Which again is linked to a persons upbringing so it’s fair to say there is an emotional attachment to food and its history.  Let me expand, my grandma grew up with the after effects of World War I, she would go on to serve in the WAF during World War II.  Because of her experiences, not having luxury items she became a firm believer, children should be given and treated to sweets. The consequences later proved a little out of balance, my mother has a mouth full of fillings this would go on to impact my childhood. I was only allowed to eat sweets two days out of the week and there was only dessert after Sunday dinner.  I might have went a little sugar crazy in my late teens but as my body matured I soon learned valuable lessons and reverted back to healthier eating habits.

Ah but hold on I mentioned world history not food history.  Initially I did mean food history, how foods have progressed, cultivation of then verses now and even the history of farming.  Perhaps I believe world history impacts the history of our food and eating.  Because if our eating habits are indeed psychologically programmed through upbringing, entwined or embedded with our emotional state, do the majority of us comfort eat? If so does the shabby state of war and world affairs prompt us to seek solace in low quality foods which with gradual increase we’ve visually been bombarded with since the dawn of our technical revolution?

Let’s go ahead and brush all of that off our shoulders.  This topic could get a bit tangled and out of control. Let’s pause and take a breath [].

Bringing our attention to now, I’m curious is your answer exactly the same – why do you eat?  Would our Family Fortune team do any better at winning?


Google images, Les Dennis

Perhaps I should keep it simple and suggest ‘conscious eating’. Anyone tried eating while being in a state of conscious awareness, and maintaining this awareness of now with each bite of food?  The ADD part of my mind keeps me from completing this task through a whole plate of food, however I can partially keep my attention focused. I’m grinning because it is an achievement! I don’t eat with the TV on, except for Friday evening which is movie night. Anyway I would suggest trying conscious eating with as little distraction as possible, you bring your attention to each mouthful of food, look at your food, inhale the smell, taking in taste and texture. Slowly chew, the more you chew your food the easier it will be for your body to digest it.  Personally I used to inhale my food, for many reasons, I was always late to go somewhere or I’d been out and returned home starving or I simply wasn’t in tune or listening to when my body was hungry.

How I eat, my thoughts of food now are exactly opposite to the views I had as a younger person.  Conscious eating at first made me realise I didn’t actually enjoy numerous foods I had been routinely eating for decades. It made me understand key reasons stopping me from having a varied diet, pre-programmed presumptions, colour and texture all played a huge part in my bias of food.   Meditations are available on YouTube or there are articles like this one Another result of conscious eating, down the line you will likely come to a cross roads, you will inevitably begin to consider the source of your food.  Where does this meat come from, where do these vegetables grow or what are the ingredients in this microwave-ready-meal?

This is where I get emotional, and without apology I will honestly tell you I could weep endless tears. I feel like asking everyone to bow their heads in a moment of silence for the sake of countless animals.  Is that a tad dramatic well okay I was never a big meat-eater so let me tell you where I cried a river, in the biscuit aisle, yes that’s right!  My out-and-out weakness, tea and biscuits, tea and buns, tea and Walkers shortbread. Which might I tell everyone is about the only biscuit I can semi get away with eating these days.  The refined sugar is a discomfort to my stomach. But the biggest disgusting truth is not only the slaughter of countless animals whose meat is carelessly unused and discarded but also the many products showcasing palm oil. Marks & Spencer’s is a disgrace in my opinion, look at your lunchtime sandwiches, salads, biscuits and pre-packed dinners. The point being if we all consciously ate food, there are products that wouldn’t even exist on our shelves because we as consumers DO have influence and the power to change.

So a person becomes totally disheartened when they realise some obvious truths about our food industry.  What is a person to do? Well you go organic don’t you, our minds convince us that organic cattle and free range chickens live happy lives, it’s okay to eat animals that live happy lives.  Of course if you can’t afford organic foods then you tune out and don’t bother.  Do you? Perhaps not, I don’t regularly eat organic but I do source local produce.

Am I bringing the conversation around to making the world a better place through eating consciously?  Well it wasn’t my original intention.  I’m going to have to take a huge leap.  I need to be somewhere else in this gigantic topic.

Over the years I’ve read various articles like many people, on the latest healthy grain or the health benefits of x, y and z. I take vitamins which in theory I shouldn’t have to do if I ate a balanced diet. At present I would describe my diet as transitional, meaning I don’t prescribe to any one idea.  What my ego judges as a fantastic idea my body may disagree with. It’s through trail and error, listening to and gauging my body’s response to foods I eat daily.  Slowly I have moved completely away from red meat, bacon was thee hardest thing to give up, the programming that surrounded eating bacon was deeply rooted. And chicken was next I began to eat more fish and lots of fresh king prawns to compensate for eating little to no meat. Only to then decide prawns are bottom feeders and really how should I expect my body to replenish itself if I was feeding it on crustaceans.

Recently I came across information on Dr. Sebi in regard to eating foods based around an alkaline diet. I happened across information on him when news broke that he had died. After watching a couple of his YouTube video’s, reading a couple of articles and then an interview with a close friend about his death I purchased three of his products and printed a cookbook from the internet.  As I type this blog I am more aware of the emotional triggers that lead to my purchase.

I am a firm believer that our bodies have natural capabilities to heal when they become dis-eased. This is a sensitive topic for a high percentage of people.  Not many would consider or want to believe that the foods we eat cause [us] worst symptoms than simple weight gain. In my search for a healthier functioning body I find myself drawn to two options; raw food diet and an alkaline based diet.  The raw food diet is as it reads but I’ve found it really difficult to jump right into. I’m quite taken by the raw chef, Russell James, I made his pear & goji berry chutney last Christmas with great success family & friends all loved it.  I’ve just purchased the ingredients for cinnamon raisin protein bars and I’ll be sure to let you know what I think of them;

The alkaline diet is supposed to reduce acid and mucus in the body.  Straight away I connected to reducing mucus in my body because as a new-born baby I turned blue and almost choked to death on, you’ve guessed it, mucus.  Charming conversation this, instantly we can all understand the emotional connection for me. Back then my mum and dad where missionaries in America, it was suggested I be given golden seal which is a herb, powder form was mixed with water which was added to my bottles.  The story goes that over a period of taking golden seal the mucus came out in my nappies. Although I’m a huge fan of herbs I would advise caution when using golden seal, I took it again in my mid-twenties for a prolonged period and noticed abdominal pain.

Dr. Sebi also talked about eating foods with a pH of five or less, this is achieved by eating specific foods. I can’t find the original articles that I read, I hand wrote the list of foods he believed acceptable.  Here is a page that may interest some of you



Google images, Dr.Sebi’s

Controversy surrounds the claims he made about curing diseases but apparently in the late 80’s the Supreme Court ruled he was not guilty.  I can’t find a news report but here is one of many articles

Sadly I don’t feel I can promote his products, I have tried his Eva Salve which I didn’t enjoy.  Two other products a Banju bio mineral balance and Green Food capsules lay in wait.  I won’t take either, communication between myself and Dr Sebi’s Cell Food customer service team has been slow.  After noticing on another YouTube bloggers video his bottle of Banju had a sticker advising once open to refrigerate, my bottle did not have this sticker and so I haven’t refrigerated it after taking a whiff.

My review of Eva Salve;

I’m not about to speak ill of a man I’ve never known, I am grateful for the cook book I found, along with the video’s I viewed of him talking about food and the body.  He was inspirational because although I didn’t know him, I could gauge he was fearless in his belief that our bodies have the ability to heal themselves.  Given the chance.  Given good food.  Something I fear we’re all losing sight of.

Another reason this diet appealed to me is that it reinforces in some ways a book I’ve been reading Healing Light of the Tao;

This topic is endless and has many layers.  It is not for me or anyone else to tell you what to eat or how to live your life. And a word to all those who are judgmental in their actions and thoughts, whether you be meat-eater or vegan, no person will ever truly be converter to any way of thinking or eating by way of force.  Nutrition and the chemistry within the body is a delicate if not personal affair. It’s a fantastic journey and when undertaken at the right time it opens doors within, a person has the ability to re-establish connects with themselves.

My judgment is that we’ve all helped shape the creation of modern food products and eating habits.  But isn’t it a blessing nothing ever remains the same, tomorrow is a new day.

Let the light in.




Freedom in feeling remorse


Google images

I’m sorry…


I imagine “Finally” silently escape

Dry chapped lips

Eyes wide, as though you gaze a mirage

On a horizon of disbelief


My apology is not

An admission of guilt

I feel none


Rather a validation

Of your pain

The extent of which

I do not pretend to grasp


Instead compassionately I compare it

To a gorge of limitless depth


In the darkness hatred needlessly grows


Numerous doorways

In the mind’s eye

Lightly lay in wait


Through understanding my own suffering

I glimpsed yours

A brief scene

A landscape laid out


Instantly the pain hits my gut

And ricochets up

The hole in my heart


Springs a leak


And in that moment

“I’m sorry”

Grief floods my every fibre

Washed away by the knowledge

Of what we did to each other


Splitting hairs no more

I blink

Awareness chases bereavement and blame

I breathe

The load lightens

Freed, allowing movement

My mind boundless

Races forward

In your domain

I am a slave no more



Seed of Life
Google images


Just doing a little script research for my next feature, stumbled across this and found it wildly interesting.

The Goddess of Sacred Sex

Menstrual Blood used to be the most Sacred substance on Earth, and now science is discovering its incredible healing powers…

(This post adapted from information provided by Seren Swannesha Bertrand from The Fountain of Life

One of the most important rituals was preparing a ‘drink of immortality’ made from menstrual blood, which is full of healing stem cells, which can actually activate our cellular capacity to regenerate and transport us to endocrine states of rapture. Or in a spiritual sense open us to the Frequency of Love and Eternal Life, transporting us to another Dimension – called Heaven, Paradise, Nirvana etc.

This ‘Love Feast’ or ‘Sacred Marriage’ – a core part of the Menstrual Mysteries – was eventually declared a heresy and women were barred from participating in Christian rites.

However the ‘Power of Renewal, Rebirth, and Resurrection’ previously associated with the Holy Womb and Menstrual Blood of the Divine…

View original post 1,380 more words

Disruption…. excuse me?!?

Isn’t it such an inconvenience when you manage to get your working life arranged to an agreeable standard, not perfect by any means, but doable, not what you’d choose to do for the rest of your life but the majority of us do what it takes to bring the bacon home.  Unless you’re a vegetarian then it’d be to put bread on the table, unless you’re a Celiac… and so on! 😀

I’m experiencing a bit of a shake up, last week and again this week.  I find myself scrabbling to obtain extra hours from temping agencies.  And while the chaos rains down I attempt to maintain my cool, you know do the positive mind thing.  I haven’t meditated yet I should probably get to that quick smart because not only have I been shafted with my hours, work is now changing my shifts up and down as though they were competing in a grand slam world YOYO competition.  They still have those you know, how retro, I was pleasantly surprised, Cleveland this year check it out; .

Anger jumps on top of chaos and in my head I’m doing pregnancy breathing, except Lamaze is so last season check out conscious breathing;, oh yeah!  And then there’s the timing this month, when these challenges have presented themselves.  I find myself slightly agitated, always hungry and extremely clumsy for no apparent reason.  Am I embarrassed about my female mechanics, heck no!  I’m impressed that I’ve managed to maintain decorum.  And oh so thankful this weeks challenges have not arisen in a face to face discussion.  Like an overflowing cup my gratitude pours forth, either that or I allow the pressure of being a single parent with no job stability to take over and it would be “Niagara falls Frankie angel, Niagara falls”.


Niagara Falls Google images.


But I’m not the only one am I and I never will been.

There was a time when all this uncertainty would get the better of me.  I would lose weight not through lack of eating but rather worrying, become short-tempered or impatient at home.  And this was all due to holding in the fear and chaos.  Where as now I let it go – I’m going to re-frame from posting a picture of Frozen – and at first it feels very alien.  As though my mind grapples with needing something to worry about.  I haven’t mastered it yet which makes me giddy, in being a novice I feel as though I could lose my footing, find myself stumbling back down a slippery slope.  The difference now, is I would find myself laughing as I fell.

This is a huge change for me because truthfully I’ve been over this ground before.  The previous journeys were cumbersome, not myself, I was burdened by duty and the ideas others had of me.  And I still sense these presumptions, still they have the ability to slow me down, if, I accept any of it.  Someone once tried to pass on a valuable lesson through a story about a wise old man.  Isn’t this typically how valuable lessons normally begin, with a wise old man 😀

Anyway a very short version is that if someone offers you a gift and you refuse the gift who does the gift belong to? The answer is the person giving the gift.  Now replace gift with anger, annoyance or upset.  Someone argues with you on the bus, train or crossing the street, yelling they unload their unhappiness on to you.  Who does the anger and upset belong to?  Lets change the example shifting from feelings to circumstance, you sign up for a college class but there aren’t enough numbers so you don’t get to learn something new and exciting or your work situation changes you were promoted temporarily with an increase in wages and now it’s all dissolved because of reorganization.

Here’s the big question, now are you ready, drum roll please….. Do you accept it?

I’ve went back to this story in my head many times the meaning has morphed over the years as I have matured.  Depth in living has increased my understanding of where it could have been useful, where it is useful now and where I could apply it in the future. Here is the original story, the wise old man, none other than the Buddha  Stories are just that though and we all do want we choose with them depending on their authenticity or how we relate to the premise.

The quote below struck a cord with me this week, it tells a story of its own, and when you apply it to the individual it branches off into an endless number of variables.  I believe the core meaning remains the same regardless of the life experience or situation it’s placed upon.

If the quote was a magnifying glass and we placed it over various nationalities, homes or workplaces and applied the words what would we see?

How many of us would display a healthy level of self-respect or self-esteem?

How many would display feelings of guilt or shame because we don’t live up to other peoples ideas or equally because we do live up to other peoples thoughts of who we are?


Picture by Mark Douglas of Image31 photography.

The only thing to accept is yourself, which is a gift, the process requires the shedding of many skins.  And it can be an up hill struggle for some.  Lightening the load is essential in order to reach a healthier you.  If you have to leave material possessions, people or places behind, worry not.  Reaching your full potential is intertwined with acceptance, self-knowledge and love.

This blog does not attempt to cover all the vast angles and layers of acceptance.  We all come to acceptance at some point or another.  Some of us weep in pain, others weep with joy and some ponder it with interest.

In accepting myself I do not accept the decisions made by the company that employs me.  But in my non-acceptance, I accept the rights of the management in making whatever decision they deem suitable for their business to succeed.

Dare I be so bold as to ask… what do you accept?


Have an awe inspiring week!