So I had a little bit of a melt down yesterday, the silent crying type of meltdown, when you feel the tears before you realize you’re crying.
Something I’ve done very little of in my life, when I cry I like to give it a good bit of welly, apparently I’m a tad dramatic or so my mum thinks!
I was looking for a way out, a way to ease some pressure and I had convinced myself that it would all be fabulous. If I could just win this something everything would just fall into place, I’d put the effort in, it would be a stepping stone, sort of proof that I was on the right path, my ego wanted a little extra proof.
There was a build up, anticipation…. and….. and…. I didn’t get it ~
Reading words which end a day dreamers chimera, a moment when time seems to stop – you read on, read reasons of why you didn’t get it. Although seeing the words doesn’t mean that you take them in, you’ve understood the only words that matter.
This is when the silent crying happened, stuck in an office, two people to the left, I swivel my chair to face the wall. That would’ve been ok expect crying [for me] leads to more crying, and so my shoulders began to move up and down, I sort of half hoped if they looked my way they’d think I was laugh. After trying to camouflage choking with a cough/splutter I took myself off to the toilet.
Sitting in a cubicle my mind flashes between what I thought I knew, how perfect it could have all been and how reality is actually unfolding. And I can’t run from the obvious truth, I’m struggling with how I want, choose to live and work verses how the world actually operates.
There are lots of rules that dictate who gets what in this world, from private industry to government benefits. Who gets a shot, a chance, some of us care, some of us don’t and some are completely oblivious!
I know people who complain bitterly about a system, industry they work within but given the chance wouldn’t stop to change it. They’ll openly admit they don’t want to change anything, why, because it’s too difficult, apparently everyone is too tired.
So I was ready to give up, mulling over all the factors and happenings – I mean life is tough sometimes, is it just me or do people, companies and organizations all have favourites – and I knew yesterday like I know today, I was teetering on a knifes edge. It doesn’t scare me at all, with the way we all live these days I’m just pleasantly numb.
And I could literally move my little world [mind] into that dark place, welcoming, beckoning me to give up.
Am I sad about this – most definitely not, nor should you be!
Use it, use all that you’ve got,
good – bad, light – dark, positive – negative, beautiful – ugly .
I don’t submit to many things but I realize I do yield to life,
I’ve grasped that true submission is not a choice
[I dance, willingly or not, I dance – extract from Rhythmically I Move – https://acreativeflow.wordpress.com/2012/07/06/rhythmically-i-move/]
Some people say that true love is not a choice, what do each of us love? Believe me we’re at a point in evolution where we love many, many things. Physical, mythical, actual, objective, relevant, irrelevant… our focus is scattered, we are distracted.
Every now and then we all feel as though what we love [ that life] has given us a good flogging,
I think what matters is where you go with it afterwards.
Do you allow yourself to sink into the abyss, drop off the map or to the bottom of a bottle?
Do you drive yourself right through the middle of whatever obstacle is in your way? [like a wrecking ball perhaps *inset raised eyebrow]
Do you grab life with both hands, accept your nature, calmly cast an eye stepping through a door you hadn’t noticed before?
Life is my love,
Kindness an ally.
It’s only lonely if you allow yourself to used without returning the favour.
Balance is any beings skeleton key,
unlocking, translating, unveiling,
much more than you’ll ever need,
to see, hear, touch, feel, taste…
NB: I should probably mention what doesn’t kill me usually makes me stronger [I hope that’s how it works for you] – I have a fire in my belly now, there is no uncertainty, make way, I am coming through 🙂