The Stone That The Builder Refused

As a child if I didn’t like the taste of something I’d often be told – eat it, why, because its good for you.

Always struck me as back to front – all the fabulous tasting things in life aren’t good for your health?!

My own thoughts when pondering life – Beautiful more often than not has an ugly, painful counter part.

So why doesn’t everything just taste great and look beautiful – am I being narrow-minded, let’s be honest with each other, lets scrape away the generals.  There seems to be a lot of excuses, loop holes and grey areas, apparently we need all of these to be who we really want to be, except we’re STILL not all being – do you follow me?

Life is continuously moving, an easy way to visually understand what I mean could be to imagine a stage.  Consciously your mind is out front on stage, maybe the crowd looks the same to you, day in and day out – fair enough.  If I ask you whats going on back stage, you might reply “I don’t know I can’t see” but if we both listen we can hear or feel movement – something is always going on.

What directly impacts the outcome of a decision you or I have made?  Our perception, how we view a situation ultimately influences our response/reaction to it, the state of our mental health/happiness AND the potential for change.

Change is interesting – I’ve noticed a rhythm, if I refuse to make the best decision for me similar situations are brought back around time and time again, until I finally choose the right decision for me.

Do you ever feel as though you’re continuously bumping your head against a brick wall, the same issue keeps occurring in your life just under different circumstances?  Do you keep befriending people who use and abuse your good nature, how about business do you continuously make the safe decision but never really feel as though you reach the level of success you’ve always dreamed?

If you’re screeching yes, Yes, YES… its time to change your perspective!

What is changing your perspective – well for me its changing my view of what I see.  Depending on where you find yourself, you might need to turn around, speak to that person you’ve been avoiding, perhaps do a handstand – you get the jist right? 🙂

There are a variety of tools to implement, paths to take, more options than an ice cream shop.   My favourite is pause, some of my more humorous memories are of using pause in everyday life.  This is a technique taught to me by Casey Kochmer –

Stopping still in a supermarket, being aware of yourself, noises around you – being aware in the moment means you are also aware of other people staring at you because you’ve stopped, are not moving and perhaps look a little odd.  Since randomly hugging tree’s I’m down with the odd looks, of course I felt awkward and vulnerable at the beginning but you can FLIP uncomfortable feelings, change a situation so that it works for you instead of against you – thank you Casey.

People’s expressions can be golden when you act outside of who they know you to be –

Are you renowned for being the polite person who always refuses help because you don’t want to put anyone out.  That person who doesn’t know how they’ll make it work but work it will!!  Your ego just L.O.V.E.S the unrealistic hero self – strong is good but at some point you’re going to be better off if you allow another person to help you.

Allowing others to help is an interesting process, we’ve all heard of ‘A friend in need is a friend indeed’, I’m not sure I totally agree or perhaps my translation of this statement is slightly off?!

Friendship is an intriguing term in modern times, don’t you think?  It could mean existing friendships from childhood, work colleagues, or people we meet when we socialize – everyone seems to know everyone [well in Belfast at least, perhaps not a total surprise].  You can be at the same event as another person, perhaps be introduced, speak two words to them and suddenly you find yourself talking as though they’re your friend.  In passing conversation you hear yourself say “I know her, we were chatting earlier” which can imply more of a friendship than there actually is.

Recently I was in the BBC – Blackstaff house for a 360 Tinderbox writers event [] anyway Terry Cafolla was speaking and I got to ask him a couple of questions.  Later I enthusiastically found myself relating the experience, it struck me I should be careful not to make it sound as though I ‘know’ Mr Cafolla.  Without thinking I’d already said “Oh yeah I know him, we spoke”  unwittingly I perhaps implied we knew one another, I had to quickly back track!  Yeah Terry and I, tell ya, best mates [not really] other than asking him two questions the next common denominator would be I worked as a waitress in Premier Cafolla’s Cafe and his last name is indeed Cafolla, hopefully there’s no relation, I didn’t leave that café on good terms – lets not talk about it! 😀

Ok, I may have taken that point and done a 100 metre sprint but you see what I mean, if you say someone is your friend realistically how true is that statement?

Perhaps you all have oodles of friends, who’ve genuinely been a great help now or in the past, carried you when you were down or kept you moving toward your goals and dreams.  On the other side of the coin some people experience the opposite, negative people can keep a person down in an unhappy spiral for long periods of time.  It’s similar to this post I keep seeing on Facebook;

William Gibson

People are linked to all aspects of living, time is an undeniable test(er) for all things imagined; love, the right job, the right home, like-minded people 🙂

If you are at a place of discomfort, if you’ve worked on one part of your life successfully but you don’t feel completely content it could be there is another part of your life that now requires your attention.

And believe me there are so many aspects of YOUrself, to realize, get to know and love that if you start now you could perhaps find yourself within a decade… Yes, I said a decade but WOW what a roller-coaster of a ride this is, it is UP and DOWN, technicoloured, its party popping madness – depending on your perspective 😀

[no illegal substances are required for this journey, AND you don’t need a passport!]

Ok, I’m getting off track slightly, stay with me 🙂

Since writing What is your Design [] my previous post.  I haven’t been able to shake a separate topic – empty offers paired with people refusing opportunity out of politeness – I was always one of those people who politely refused what I was offered.  Anything from a cup of tea, plane tickets to Czech, a lift into Belfast city etc, all because I didn’t want to put other people out.

After I did a calligraphy piece of a Bob Marley song, Corner Stone for a friend something hit a chord, there is a specific line that reads “Cause the things people refuse are the things they should use” I got flash backs [nothing weird] I was drawn to occasions in my past where I had been offered things, money, clothes, lamps, holidays, a house and car if I’d be someones Mistress – ha ha, just keeping it interesting, am I joking, I know you’re all wondering – all of which I politely refused.  Generally my ego wasn’t having any of it for one reason or another but you know there were a couple of occasions I had this overwhelming sense the offers were empty, the person making the offer already knew I would say no.

We could all debate there is no proof other than my gut feeling that the offers were empty, however I believe in modern times we’ve all been programmed to rely less on our own instincts – very dangerous game in my opinion AND a topic for an entirely separate blog.

So if we could, on a hypothetical basis say my instincts were spot on – why do people offer empty gifts so to speak?

Well don’t you know it looks good, what is society distracted by what looks good.  It has the potential to make a person seem more friendly than they are, generates a virtual “I’m on your side” type of feeling and because we’re generally materialistic creatures it has come to mean something when a person spends money on us instead of giving us their time.

I would encourage you all to look at what is ‘offered’ to you – you may be in a dire situation at the moment, needing any help you can get your hands on, you could be quite comfortable but have dreams of being more successful or perhaps you have attained all you desire.  If a friend offers you a gift or help I’m encouraging you to pause, consider the potential of what is being offered, [ especially if you usually would not accept] and see where it takes you.  If someone offers you an empty box rattle it, call their bluff, consider taking what is on offer.  It says nothing about you if the box is empty in fact it shines a light on their character and do you know what’s REALLY nice if they are a true friend the box will never be empty!

We’ve chatted briefly about friendship, empty offers, gifts, help and perspective **Warning** we are all at various stages which means taking an offer from a person you wouldn’t normally could lead one person to success or another down the wrong path.  Deciding a person isn’t a true friend and stepping away from them could free one person up to meet more like-minded people or lead another into a period of loneliness.  It is your perspective of each situation that shapes the outcome.

It has to been mentioned – some of us love to bang our heads against that make-believe brick wall I mentioned earlier, some of us will repeat mistakes until we are ready to move on.  No experience is right or wrong, too much in society is brought down to failure and success, the TRUTH about life is – there’s so much more.  And the truth about success is – it’s not a straight line!  I should admit something, for four years in one aspect of my life I’ve been banging my head against that brick wall, it has caused euphoric highs and god awful lows.  It has been unequivocally self-inflicted, I have learned a lot about myself during all the enjoyable and loathing moments.

AND NOW – I’m ready for the next brick wall – ha ha ha, just a wee joke there! 🙂

Happy HaPpY Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

Big hug



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